Yep, that’s me. Not long after Chris started his cancer journey I began my journey as a caregiver. Chris went back to work as best he could and I started trying to manage the stress of imagining a world without him in it. A world where his strong gentle hands were not there to protect, care for, and provide for me would be cold at best. My heart couldn’t take it. I was coming unraveled and feeling much the way I imagined Sarah feeling in the movie Labyrinth as she dropped down a hole with hands everywhere but no real way to stop herself from falling. If you know, you know.
One evening after worship I noticed a friend of mine in a sleeveless dress with gorgeous muscle tone in her arms. This girl is a class 1 goddess and I’m self conscious about having bigger arms like a line backer and her toned muscular shoulder had me coveting right there on holy ground. I had to ask, she smiled and told me all about the gym where she had been going for years. I decided I could use a little of that in my life and so I reached out to the owner about getting a membership. She needed a workout buddy after class which worked out great with my bus schedule. I became a gym junkie six days a week. In no time I was getting compliments on my arms and feeling like a million bucks, or a teenager again, however you get the point; it felt good! For almost two years I kept going back. I was managing my stress and truly enjoying all of the benefits of dedicated me time. Less brain fog, stress reduction, and the bathroom mirror was no longer my female brain’s enemy. Then it all crashed.
My work out buddy had a schedule change so I tried working out alone. I kept it going for a while and still had great results but then Chris’ cancer came back and my whole world shut down. I withdrew from life in general.
For the last few years my doctor and my children have constantly encouraged me to start exercising again. Burn off some stress and get some sun, they sound like broken records; I know they are right but finding the wherewithal to pick the weights back up has genuinely felt impossible. Fast forward to today; I have got to do something or my top may blow. Chris’ cancer is back and in multiple areas of his body. The meds are holding it at bay but my whole being knows it’s in there and the silent scream behind my smile is truly deafening inside my head. Add to that the ever present loss of my mother’s cognitive function thanks to dementia and poof! I have shingles and I feel like I’m coming unwound. I’ve got to do something or the bomb in my chest may go off.
I am always a big advocate for “me time”. I spend time every morning and every evening just for me. Time with my family, long baths and showers, prayer time, music, and my precious animals have been my lifeline; however, the mantra of my kids and trusted doctor continue to ring in my ears: go back. Ok, I’m not ready but I’m going. Tears and all.
I packed a gym bag today. I’m not ready to be around groups of people yet but I can obviously exercise at home and there’s also a small gym where my mom lives and it’s rarely used. She’s agreed to sit with me while I move a little weight around. I’m starting small and hoping she will eventually join in but I have no expectations. We’ll see. First, I’ve got to get me going. This is one instance where the thought doesn’t count. I’ve gotta drag my rear end up there.
As a caregiver, I have no choice but to take care of myself. If I don’t keep my batteries charged then I’ll have nothing to pull from when I need to take care of others. I’m always reminding caregivers how important it is to refuel themselves. If I’m being, honest, I thought I was handling it all really well. Shingles and fighting tears when certain songs come on have opened my eyes to just how badly I need to burn off some of this stess. I can still laugh and smile. I refuse to lose my joy. Life is so precious even in the midst of storms.
It seems redundant to tell someone who is always in motion they need to go workout, but here I go! If I can keep this going then I may eventually sign back up with my favorite exercise app. For now, I’m just going to see how far I can pull my little red wagon along. You could pull yours right along with me, or at the very least help me keep mine going. Baby steps, 15 minutes three days a week. Time for some music and moves!
Wish me luck! My wagon currently feels more like a Buick right now but I’m determined to move it. Doctor’s orders! You have a great day and I’ll check in later.
Y’all be sweet,
Bena ❤️🐝
31 responses to “Well, here we go again…”
Soon, on the 29th of March, it will be one year since I lost my husband of 25 years to cancer but we are in our 80’s and had wonderful lives before and after we had married. My heart aches for you as both Chris and yourself are still so young and I pray that you both have the strength to do God’s Will. Yes, you truly must take care of yourself and unfortunately too many of us learn the hard way. Myself, ended up spending the Christmas of 2022 in the hospital with kidney failure. Learned my lesson but a little late …. please continue to take care of yourself so that Chris has the best caregiver he can possibly find and that is you in good health of mind and and body and spirit …. God Bless you both (and all of your family)
Thank you and I’m so sorry for your loss. I call myself “surviving” but each day a petal falls off my preverbal rose. I’m trying to live and keep his spirits up and mine but cleaning out Mamas house last week kicked my butt! I’m dragging a tractor!
How true, one step at a time. Sending prayers for strength to you. Hope it helps in some small way knowing how many of us you encourage. Now it’s our turn to do the same for you. You got this.
During the storms and valleys of my life, I know how you feel. I was a single parent of two beautiful girls, worked a full time job and was a caretaker of my mom who had a stroke that took the use of her right side of her body and gift of speech. For the two years I was the caregiver I put on the smile on the outside but on the inside was a total mess. I didn’t have time for me and just kept pushing to do it all and what I knew I had to do. It was so hard! At times I thought I would not make it but I did. The only person I had to talk to was God! Many times I asked him why? I know without a doubt that if I had not had my fait and God in my life I would not have made it. There are good things that come out of the valleys we are in, we just have to look for them! I believe your good is you faith and sharing your journey and feelings with all of us . You are being real and sure there is someone following you that you are helping! Yes this is no fun at all for you but it is and will be part of your testimony!
What I wouldn’t give to have one more conversation with my Mom (she was my best friend) but I know one day I will be able to. Prayers are constantly with you and your family❤️🙏.
Thank you for the encouragement! Since my husband’s stroke four years ago followed by cancer on his foot and a weird bacteria in his lungs two years ago (still fighting that one with antibiotics ), I find myself desperately needing my time in the therapy pool, but have not been able to make time for it in months. You have reminded me that I have to do this!
Yes!
I hope one day you write a book! I’m ready to pre-order!!!! You are as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside! You are truly an inspiration and you may never know until you get to heaven, how many lives you have and are touching! God has His hands on you and Chris! May God always get the glory!!!
Thank you so much!
Bena, it’s okay to find a safe place to release your emotions. Stress is hard for all of us to manage. Sharing responsibilities is a gift to your family and friends. ‘Share’ all you can. It’s okay to raise your hand as you can’t ‘do it all’. Your love for your Family is immense and will never stop. You are such a beautiful soul … as you say ‘you do you’ but raise a hand every now and then … they will come. I wish I was close enough to be there for you … sending huge HUGS 💖
You are strong!!!! You may not feel that way right now…One day of positivity at a time, along with soft prayers..there may be tears but keep on plugging and try to be positive for those you love…those hard day’s will be helped with a big, positive smile. My heart bleeds for you but your strength is obvious….God will always be there to help dry your tears……Bless you Bena…💚
Bless you! I find myself at the age of 72 as a caregiver to my husband who has liver disease and kidney failure. I take him to dialysis 3x a week. While he’s there I go to the church I work at for 3 1/2 hours to work for my 3 pastors. The Lord showed me at the beginning of this journey that I had to take care of myself. I pray the Lord grant you strength and energy to walk the path you find yourself on. Blessings from Loganville, Georgia.
Dear Bena, sending you positive thoughts, prayers, and peace. Your writing is beautiful, thank you.
Stillwater, MN
Melanie
Thank you ❤️
Good luck!! You have a lot on your plate!! Shingles are often brought on by stress!! I’ve had them 3 times. I guess I was more stressed than I thought!
Oh my.dear Bena! I’m so sorry to hear about your shingles. Thank you for sharing your life with us. Prayers for you, Chris and your Momma. I’m right there with you when it comes to moving again. I was heavily involved in exercising when I was in my 20s and again in my 40s. Unfortunately, my life took a big turn away from the gym. I’ve tried to get back, but my health slowed me down. Once again,
I’m turning the page on my journey. We can do it. God will help us if we ask Him to and we show Him we’re serious. Looking forward to more good updates. Love you ❤️🙏🏻🙏🏻
Praying for you, Chris and your momma! I know it seems all so overwhelming right now–because it is BUT your Sunday is coming! God has you and your precious family and this too shall pass! Lean on Him for everything and He’s got it!!!!
I feel you! I have been taking care of my husband for two years steadily. 14 hospitalizations just last year. Getting ready to have another procedure next week. Long story short he was diagnosed with MS in June 1993. In the last seven years I have watched his health decline on super speed. I was putting my health, mind and body second. Last year I lost 47 lbs and have kept it off. Started taking of me and going places with friends and family. I go for a 3 to 5 mile walk almost everyday. I now feel so much better, doctors tell me I am looking great and my health is above average for a 76yr old. Remember to take care of yourself too!
I’m so sorry you have to go through all this, Bena. Just know that my prayers are with you. When my husband because disabled from an injury while he was in the Navy Seabees, I had just had a new baby and we already had an four year-old, and now I had to also take care of their daddy. He had a head injury, so much of what was happening inside didn’t show outside. He was slow to think and slow to move. We saw many Navy doctors, and some civilian doctors that the Navy doctors thought could help him. But none of them could and he was retired as disabled in 1976. I took care of that dear man for 38 years after he was injured and took care of our babies too. I’m sure not as well as if he still had all his faculties but he couldn’t deal with the noise and distraction of having the children around so they had to learn to play quietly and any music had to be played outside. I also lost both my parents during that time and that left such a huge hole. I just want you to know I really know how you feel. I always remember you and your Chris and your family in my prayers every day and ask Jesus to put his arms around each of you and allow you to bask in His comfort and just breathe.
Thank you so much ❤️ Bless you! Thats a long hard road!
You go girl! Life is tough, be good to yourself. Do what makes you happy & healthy. You go to the gym & I’ll watch baseball….Love ya ❤️
I love you, I do love your strength and I admire you. You encourage me. I’m a 7 year cancer Survivor . I try to not think about and try to return to me. I do worry, even though my kids are grown . Sometimes I feel everyone is dependent on me. But it does keep me strong. Stay strong Bena. You can do this. All my prayers, Tina
Thank you Tina! Congrats on seven years! 🥳💜
Thank you, but the way, I live in Houston Texas where M D Anderson is. It’s world renown. I so thankful Chris is being treated there🙏🙏
I never comment but this touched me to the core. For the last eight months I’ve been helping my sister in law after she did something really stupid that has harmed her life and made her very dependent. I’m the only person available to help her. This has consumed my life, and I’ve been eating so much more in response to the stress. I’m a diabetic so that’s a big deal. Because of you I’m going to trade in poor eating for exercise. Thank you for redirecting me.
You owe it to yourself to take care of you! May God give you the strength you need!
My cancer has come out of remission, and I’m starting chemo again. 😕 This is my 4th time battling this disease. Tell Chris he is in my daily prayers, and you as well. Stay strong, it takes a village. I am blessed with my family and friends. Sending you guys love and lots of prayers. 🙏❤🙏
I’m so sorry you have to go back through it all! Prayers for all of you as well!
So sorry for what all you are dealing with right now. Praying Chris’ health will at least stabilize for now. and praying your mom will stay stable for as long as possible. You do so much for a lot of people. If exercising will relieve some pressure, then please do what you can. Or choose another way of avoiding a “blow out”. I love reading your posts and please know you have lots of people who love you even though we have never met. Take care of yourself!
Thinking about you and your family and prayers for Chris and you.
Wishing you lots of luck. We love you.
❤️